Lovesick

Please pray for me. I can't sleep, and this is going to ruin my morning with the Lord and Abba and Ling Ling.

Today was the most EXCRUCIATING DAY I have EVER experienced T.T!!! For the WHOLE DAY i cried out for the Lord and Abba and Ling Ling, but i still haven't felt Them and i miss them SO SO MUCh :'( I MISS THEM SO SO MUCH!!! I know that They are always with me, and that They are in my heart right now but I miss them SO MUCH cos I CAN"T FEEL THEM and I've cried more than 5 times today already cos I NEED Lord SO MUCh but I can't feel Him!

And at dinner today, my mind was overflowing with burdens and I felt so SO UPSET because I couldn't find Him! And carrying these burdens are SO TOUGH! My greatest burden was that I couldn't feel Him or Abba or Ling Ling. Next was that my friends miss me so much and I don't have enough time to tend to them and to their needs, and I don't know how to introduce God to them. And then there's ministry, replying emails and stuff, BUT this load has been lifted a little as more b+s have had SUPER growth spurts since the Discipleship Camp, for which I CANNOT stop praising the Lord for! But still I am still bogged down by all this mess. Then there's school work that is AWFULLY worrying, because I have 3 assignments due next thursday, one of which is statistics, which I know nothing about and have absolutely no clue whatsoever how to start or what to do. And there are finals coming up 2 weeks GAHHHHHHHHHH there are SO MANY LECTURES TO CATCH UP ON!

But I thank Him that He's given me little gifts of comfort. On the way home, I was crying in the car I think it might have been Spirit who gave me the thoughts for reasons He's letting these satan attacks happen to me. This is what I wrote to the Lord:
"BABA! Where is Your bosom!? Your lap!?
Ling Ling where are YOU?????? T.T
HOW COME I CAN'T FIND YOU LORD!?!?!?
Is it because You want me to understand how much You need me, how much You love me, how much You miss me?
Is it because You want me to udnerstand how much I need you, how much I love You, how much I have fallen in love with you, how much i miss You? How much I depend on You - it's something I won't know fully until I've lost You for a while?"

So maybe He's helping me realise how much i am in love with Him >< I guess I am comforted by the fact that I need Him so much >< for truly I feel so uneasy and am absolutely utterly helpless, i just cry and cry and cry the whole day cos i miss Him SO MUCH! T.TTTTTT And when I asked to fall in love with the Lord before I went to Fiji, one of the "criteria" was that I would have "couple drama" with Him, because I never reach those highs to have had intensity in our relationship. I guess He answered my prayer xD However much it hurts.

My current experience really puts me into the position of the Shulamite, how she sought so hard for her beloved! This is what I wrote to Him:
"I have sought SO SO HARD! I already tried breaking through every dark cloud to see You! T.TTTTTTT
Lord I am lovesick for You.
I NEED YOU!

LET ME FIND YOU!
I'll hold onto You, grasp onto You and NEVER let You go!

I have faith that I will find You soon."

Then after I laid on my bed and cried again, I think Spirit gave me a thought.
"Maybe this is a test of faith?
Actually when You gave me that thought, it made me smile. Gave me an assurance.
I will wait upon the Lord,
I will wait for You."

Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

I treasure this passage so much, for this is His encouragement to me =]

Cry to Lord continued...
"Test me, try me.
I will not lose my faith in You."

Psalm 26: 2
Test me, O LORD, and try me, examine my heart and my mind'
Psalm 139:23
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties

"I can hear the enemies' voices telling me You are not real.
but I KNOW YOU ARE!
Sustain my faith! Love is patient...I love you =]
And I will listen to Your voice of truth!"

I could really feel experience David's outcries to the Lord, and I'm starting to understand more the "enemies" bits of His poems. Truly, Spirit has used David's words to comfort and encourage me =].

He also encouraged me with lyrics from Whirlwind;
"When the cloud above me gets heavy,
I know You'll shower me with blessings.
And amidst the grey, I will see Your rainbow,
Your promise to me =]"

Truly, He promised that me that He will never give me more than I can bear x]
1 Cor 10:13
God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.
I grasp onto His faithfulness =]

~~~

After a whole 2 days of moping about my suffering, Spirit showed me Their point of view of this situation.
"Lord, Ba Ba, Ling Ling, how much it pierces Your heart to see me cry like this! How much it hurts to not let me feel You."
I really related to Job's experience, and admire his faith. But I could feel that They really 唔忍心 "ng yan sum" see me cry like this. I feel that They really do love me so much, and so They gave me some encouragements to sustain me.

"I know this experience will reap something important. I know this will be worth it, like how You had to leave each other in order to gain me.
Btw, I'm also understand more the pain between You two when You had to leave each other by will >< Truly the pain I felt today was EXCRUCIATING! Sickness of love is SO PAINFUL!
Lord, I don't think I've ever needed anyone so much, to such an extent of need, to such an extent of constancy of need ><
For this, I PRAISE YOU! I will PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM!

I will wait for My Beloved E>

However long~ Just like You did for me =]
Maybe You are trying to demonstrate to me my potential - that I can REALLY love You the extent to which You love me xD

I love You Lord =]
I will be patient.
I will wait."

But if you find my Beloved, tell Him that I am lovesick.